Here, I'll Trade You.

You know how you hear something over and over again that you understand, but it doesn't grab out at you...then one day it just completely snatches you up and overwhelms you with it's presence? ...If you have no idea what I am talking about, just imagine you are re-watching a movie from your childhood and finally understanding the subtle humor they added in to keep adults sane. 

Anyway. I've had one of those moments this week. You see if you are a lot like me...you've accepted Christ in your life a while ago, but you are just now waking up, and stepping out in your faith and really taking in what that means.
Pretty much everyone in my life knows that I grew up moving around. We usually stayed in the same state and region, just different counties. In fact, I went to four different high schools, two of them were during my senior year. I didn't mind this at all. Why? Because before we hopped house, I was bullied. A lot. And I was rejected. A lot. And rejected by people I was taught you needed in your life. And because of that, who I was was completely shattered. I didn't even realize this until about a year ago. 
When I was 16 I went to church, and accepted Jesus into my heart, truly for the first time. I then began reading the Bible and slowly (and I mean slowly) rebuilding my confidence. I picked up these tiny pieces of myself that I had lost in my childhood. And with each move we made, I took it as an opportunity to become invisible -in order to protect myself from losing those fragile pieces all over again. 
My senior year I was engulfed in God's word and prayer. I met my best friend, and now my husband who helped keep me accountable in doing just that. But, I had walked past the pieces of my past and completely ignored them. Things were still just a bit bumpy for me. I left walls in my heart for years, leaving myself open for easy offenses. At the time,  I was completely oblivious to the fact that I would have to go back and pick those pieces up eventually if I wanted to move forward in my faith and begin to do the work God has called me to do. 

And that's where I am now. I've spent more time in the past two years walking through old anxiety, hurt and repressed memories then I have ever want to. But, because of this I feel closer to the Lord than I ever felt in the beginning of my journey. I've done things that I have completely sworn off, like open up to strangers. Teach. Lead. and most importantly, let go. 

You see, Jesus died on the cross for us. He carried our sins, our burdens. (This is what I was referring to in the beginning of my blog post.) I knew this, it's like Christianity 101, right? BUT! This is what I was missing -Jesus died and took my burdens and sins with him. He left me with His yoke. He left me with His burden.

“Come to me all of you who are tired from the heavy burden you have been forced to carry. I will give you rest. Accept my teaching. Learn from me. I am gentle and humble in spirit. And you will be able to get some rest. Yes, the teaching that I ask you to accept is easy. The yoke I give you to carry is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 

Jesus said to me, "Hey that baggage of yours looks pretty heavy. Here, I'll trade you."

Letting go of the past is easier said than done, trust me I know this. But when I accepted Christ into my life, no longer was I a victim...no longer was I rejected...no longer did I need to live my life in fear of those things, because it was never. who. I. was. and it is definitely not who I am now. I can say I am a child of the King, and I can understand what that means. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says you are made new in Christ Jesus. I feel like for the first time in my life I can say with confidence, and believe, the past is the past. And I can continue to pick up and dust off those pieces with peace of mind. 

-Ashley

Clean House.

This has been on my heart for a while now. I've felt convicted, judged and "less than" because of this one topic and one topic alone: a clean house. And here's why: my house is hardly ever clean. And what I mean by this is -when you are walking into one room, you are walking into an entirely new disaster. 

This began to weigh on me more when I became more active in my church, because I would often visit other families from church at, you guessed it, their homes! I would walk into their house and smell fresh air, see a tidy living room and a sparkling kitchen and immediately start beating myself over the head with thoughts like: "How are they doing this?" "There is NO way they can have nice furniture and three kids!" "What am I doing wrong?!"

I became so overwhelmed with these thoughts that I started to avoid meet ups at my place, simply because my house was not "as good as theirs"...And my stomach would turn in knots at the thought of random "pop-ins." Now, I have friends that I have been friends with for a long, and they know that my house doesn't sparkle on a regular basis. Neither does theirs. And we are okay with that. We take comfort in it. But the second my mother in law calls my husband and says she is going to stop by I fly off the couch and begin throwing things in inconspicuous places and blowing steam out of my ears on why our house has to be such a chore! 

Then...about a month ago I started spending time with another stay at home mom who had kids around my children's age and her husband worked full time with a heck of a commute, also. I had come over one day with my kids pumped full of energy, her kids pumped full of energy as they yelled in excitement and raced down the steps the first thing she did was apologize over the mess in her house. Again, I found comfort. We talked for a while about our dirty laundry...quite literally...and how it feels like such an impossible task to keep an entire house clean forever, or at least long periods of time. Right there in that moment I saw myself, my struggles, my anger and frustration, and my discouragement. And I realized I wasn't alone in this battle. 

So I had to set some guidelines in my mind to follow, and remind myself of them often. 

1. Stop comparing your house to others. 

I'm not talking about them having a beautiful granite counter top you might want to install in your home one day, or a paint scheme you like better than your bland white walls. Inspiration is good. I know I will always, always be redecorating my house. I love seeing other's styles and personalities come out through their homes. I talk about it often. But, when you start beating yourself up on how clean those counter tops are over yours and how there are absolutely no fingerprints on their walls and yours is starting to look like you painted it that way ...stop. There is no encouragement in comparing. 

2. Invitation vs. Surprise 

When you are invited over to someones house, they are most likely expecting your arrival. A good host will clean their house for you. Think about it, you wouldn't plan a party and then have people sit on a couch covered in laundry and wash themselves a cup out of a sink so that they could fix themselves a drink. You see, when you go over to somebodies house and start comparing their floors over yours, you are comparing a home that they cleaned knowing you were coming over.
Now, with that being said...if it was 4:30 p.m and someone called me and said they needed to swing by for a minute, you can be sure that my living room has been hit by tropical storm Vivian and hurricane Penelope. My kitchen is probably a mess because I will have started dinner (and dishes, from at least lunch, will be in the sink). I can't make any promises on what the bathroom looks like considering my 4 year old usually remembers she has to pee at the last second and doesn't always remember to flush...or put her pants back on for that matter. And you know what, this is normal. If it is not normal, you don't have kids and you don't eat in your home. Or you were blessed with the art of "cleaning as you cook," in which case -you go, girl! 

But listen, this person isn't judging you. There is a difference in a lived in home and an episode of hoarders.

3. Enjoy your company and stop stressing out

If someone pops into my untidy home I get uneasy. I start to apologize, and they ensure me it's okay. But I keep stressing myself out knowing there is a sink full of dishes. And I think this passage alone speaks for itself on this situation:

While Jesus and his followers were traveling, he went into a town, and a woman named Martha let him stay at her house. She had a sister named Mary. Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet and listening to him teach. But her sister Martha was busy doing all the work that had to be done. Martha went in and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are getting worried and upset about too many things. Only one thing is important. Mary has made the right choice, and it will never be taken away from her.” -Luke 10:38-42

4. Enjoy your kids company 

I recently saw a picture of a triangle with each corner labeled: 1.Your Sanity 2. Happy Kids 3. Clean House. And at the top it said "Choose Two of Them"...how true is this? For me, very true...like "Can I get an 'Amen'!" true. If my kids ask me to play with them and I am caught up in picking up my living room and shooing them away, I am treating them like an inconvenience. I am a stay at home mom...playing with my kids is the best part of my day, and pretty soon I won't get to have that as an option anymore. I want to say I am the mom who will always choose playing with her kids over everyday tasks, but I'm not. I have to remind myself to be that mom. My kids need me far more than my laundry needs to be put away. The laundry will still be there when my kids are sleeping. 

5. If you are feeling in a funk, check to see if that is what you are sitting in 

I don't know how else to word this one, so my apologies! My mom always told me if I couldn't shake a sadness, or an illness, to take a shower. It's amazing how good a clean body can make you feel inside. I believe that goes for our home too. I always find myself spending the most time in the cleanest part of my house. I don't think it's a coincidence at all. It is less stressful. I used to just get out of the house if I found myself in a crumby mood about my surroundings, but you have to come back to it. You live there. So, If you are finding yourself overwhelmed, stir crazy or depressed turn on that worship music and clean! Even on days where I have to force myself to clean up, the more I straighten up the better I feel. 

Another thing I would add is always straighten up before you go to bed. It sounds like a bother, but really it is you taking care of yourself. 15 minutes of tidying. There is nothing better than waking up to a straight house. You will always thank yourself for it. 

And lastly. You are doing a great job. Don't stress, this too is a worldly thing that is not a priority in the kingdom of God. 

-Ashley